Well, tomorrow will be my last "really bad" chemo session. Yippee! I'm actually really excited about it. I'm going to feel awful pretty much all of next week, but it will be the LAST TIME I have to deal with those specific side effects. The next chemo sessions will be weekly for 12 weeks, and the drug that is used is typically tolerated much better. The most common side effects are numbness in the arms and legs, but not as much nausea. I've learned not to count too much on what people tell me and rather wait for my own experience to see what actually happens, but I am hopeful.
Tomorrow I will be accompanied by the beautiful and entertaining Angela Hall. I'm lucky to have Angela as a friend. She has four kids age four and under and still manages to make time to take me to and from chemo. God has truly given her a giving heart and for that I am thankful!
As October comes to a close, I would like everybody to know that I really hate all the pink ribbon junk that has been everywhere this month. I know people mean well by wearing pink, but really, what's the point? I don't think the color pink helps make people aware of breast cancer. If you want to really be aware I'm more than happy to show you my scars. Or why don't you feel where my port juts out from my skin. It will make you shudder (just ask my friend Marianne). Or maybe come by my house on a day where I can barely make it up and down the stairs and have to force myself to eat and even then food still tries to come back up. That will make you aware of breast cancer. And I hate it that people buy stupid pink trinkets to show their support for breast cancer research. How much of that money is actually being sent to a research organization? Maybe donate something directly to an organization that you've investigated to ensure that your funds are being used wisely. And don't worry about getting some stupid pink plastic thing in return.
I feel like I haven't written about my boobs lately, and I know everybody loves to hear about them. I continue to have my expanders filled, and they have reached a point where they are kind of fun to play with. If you push on my boob (which I figure is all the way up to an A cup by now) it bounces right back just like a firm water balloon. I've forced a lot of friends to feel my boobs in the last week, and I hope they don't think it is too strange. It's just that when you have a cool new toy you want everybody to experience it!
Okay, that's it from here! I'm ready to kick chemo's ass tomorrow!
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
Such a long journey
Well, I had my third chemo infusion last Friday. People ask how it went, but you have to remember that I feel the effects for many days following. My weekend was a waste. I could barely get out of bed. Despite really wanting to go to work yesterday, I couldn't get up and get going. My stomach is upset all the time (not nauseus, but not good either), I have thickened saliva (yep, super gross), and if I take any more Dulcolax without results I am going to sue the company that makes it. So feeling like this makes me feel a little grouchy and makes me dread the very long road stll ahead. I just want to be done with chemo, but I have 13 sessions left to do. I want to get rid of the rock-hard tissue expanders in my chest but I'll be lucky if that happens in March. And the day I get this awful port out of my chest will be about the best day ever...in February. So, I guess I have just been having a hard time seeing beyond my daily struggles. I know it gets better and good days will be here soon - heck, I worked an 11 hour day last week and it was kind of awesome! But bad days are just that...bad.
In the midst of some recent bad days I have been reminded of just how much God will provide. On Saturday a friend randomly offered to take Marah to the park for the afternoon. She had no idea just how much that was needed, but God did and worked through her. The same friend took Marah for a couple hours on Sunday night and it was so appreciated. I'm not always going to ask for help, but if you feel like maybe I need something check in with me. I probably do need help.
Last night a very dear former colleague and friend brought me dinner. I am still thankful for dinners; cooking is hard when you can't get out of bed all day. In the 10 minutes she was in my home she managed to make me feel so loved, so prayed for, and so valued. And the meal she left was absolutely delicious.
So, that's it from here. Just hanging out, hoping to make it to work today. Hoping that I can see the light at the end of this very long tunnell soon.
In the midst of some recent bad days I have been reminded of just how much God will provide. On Saturday a friend randomly offered to take Marah to the park for the afternoon. She had no idea just how much that was needed, but God did and worked through her. The same friend took Marah for a couple hours on Sunday night and it was so appreciated. I'm not always going to ask for help, but if you feel like maybe I need something check in with me. I probably do need help.
Last night a very dear former colleague and friend brought me dinner. I am still thankful for dinners; cooking is hard when you can't get out of bed all day. In the 10 minutes she was in my home she managed to make me feel so loved, so prayed for, and so valued. And the meal she left was absolutely delicious.
So, that's it from here. Just hanging out, hoping to make it to work today. Hoping that I can see the light at the end of this very long tunnell soon.
Saturday, October 10, 2015
Well friends, it has been awhile since I've posted anything. I actually wrote a post a few days ago but didn't like it. I realized that I was writing because other people wanted me to, not because I wanted to. So today I feel like writing again.
A lot has happened in the last ten days. I'm bald now. It was an interesting process, losing my hair. When it started to come out Joy cut it into a cute pixie. That lasted a few days, and then it really started to go. So, I had Troy shave my head one night in the garage while I sat on an overturned drywall bucket listening to Pearl Jam. I've been rocking some head scarves, hats, and of course my wig (named Sheila). I look pretty good, but I'm jealous of people with hair. Like when I'm driving and I see other women driving along I can't help but think Hey, lady, must be nice to have hair you big jerk. I want my hair back. I'm pissed it is gone. You can tell how good I look in whatever head covering I have on, but in the end I want my hair.
I had my second round of chemo and it went better this time. The nausea was much better controlled, which was a really good thing. I still struggled (oh, wait, I AM STILL struggling) with fatigue. Mornings are the worst. It is hard to get up and going, and then I get tired really quickly. I finally start to feel really good most days by about 2pm. Then I want to collapse by 8pm. I actually went to work every day this week, which I didn't fully realize until Jen pointed that out to me. I worked short days most days, and probably pushed myself a little too much, but I like my job. And being home can be lonely.
Speaking of lonely, cancer can be a very lonely place. I've had some really negative feelings this last week about it, but I'm coming back around to my positive self again. Basically, it comes down to this: I was overwhelmed with cards, messages, emails, meals and tons of support when I was first diagnosed and after my surgery. Since then these things have diminished significantly. People move on with their lives, and I completely understand that. Heck, I would do the same. But it left me feeling pretty sad. I have a few wonderful people in my life who have stayed on top of things with me, and for that I will forever be grateful. Now if you're reading this and start to feel bad about yourself, DON'T. I absolutely do not want to hear apologies. I completely understand that I cannot be the focus of your attention forever. I'm just letting you know what's been up with me.
Another interesting thing with chemo has been my reaction to food. I'm sure most of you are sick of hearing about how skinny I've gotten, but darn it I look ridiculous in my baggy clothes. You could fit a small dog in the butt of my jeans while I have them on. For about a week after chemo I force myself to eat whatever seems good (aka McDonald's bacon, egg, and cheese biscuits). Then, all of a sudden, my appetite comes back in a way that is scary. Yesterday I woke up absolutely starving. I had two bowls of cereal before work, then ate three lunches at work, and then ate about 2,000 calories worth of food at Crapplebee's for dinner. Today I ate a family size can of Spaghetti-o's by myself. Marah didn't get any. And that roast in the crock pot? I may eat the entire thing before Troy is done mowing the yard. In fact, I should probably go check on that roast about now...
A lot has happened in the last ten days. I'm bald now. It was an interesting process, losing my hair. When it started to come out Joy cut it into a cute pixie. That lasted a few days, and then it really started to go. So, I had Troy shave my head one night in the garage while I sat on an overturned drywall bucket listening to Pearl Jam. I've been rocking some head scarves, hats, and of course my wig (named Sheila). I look pretty good, but I'm jealous of people with hair. Like when I'm driving and I see other women driving along I can't help but think Hey, lady, must be nice to have hair you big jerk. I want my hair back. I'm pissed it is gone. You can tell how good I look in whatever head covering I have on, but in the end I want my hair.
I had my second round of chemo and it went better this time. The nausea was much better controlled, which was a really good thing. I still struggled (oh, wait, I AM STILL struggling) with fatigue. Mornings are the worst. It is hard to get up and going, and then I get tired really quickly. I finally start to feel really good most days by about 2pm. Then I want to collapse by 8pm. I actually went to work every day this week, which I didn't fully realize until Jen pointed that out to me. I worked short days most days, and probably pushed myself a little too much, but I like my job. And being home can be lonely.
Speaking of lonely, cancer can be a very lonely place. I've had some really negative feelings this last week about it, but I'm coming back around to my positive self again. Basically, it comes down to this: I was overwhelmed with cards, messages, emails, meals and tons of support when I was first diagnosed and after my surgery. Since then these things have diminished significantly. People move on with their lives, and I completely understand that. Heck, I would do the same. But it left me feeling pretty sad. I have a few wonderful people in my life who have stayed on top of things with me, and for that I will forever be grateful. Now if you're reading this and start to feel bad about yourself, DON'T. I absolutely do not want to hear apologies. I completely understand that I cannot be the focus of your attention forever. I'm just letting you know what's been up with me.
Another interesting thing with chemo has been my reaction to food. I'm sure most of you are sick of hearing about how skinny I've gotten, but darn it I look ridiculous in my baggy clothes. You could fit a small dog in the butt of my jeans while I have them on. For about a week after chemo I force myself to eat whatever seems good (aka McDonald's bacon, egg, and cheese biscuits). Then, all of a sudden, my appetite comes back in a way that is scary. Yesterday I woke up absolutely starving. I had two bowls of cereal before work, then ate three lunches at work, and then ate about 2,000 calories worth of food at Crapplebee's for dinner. Today I ate a family size can of Spaghetti-o's by myself. Marah didn't get any. And that roast in the crock pot? I may eat the entire thing before Troy is done mowing the yard. In fact, I should probably go check on that roast about now...
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