I have a few random thoughts that I would like to share this evening:
1) My blog post from a couple weeks ago, "I am what I've been through", had nearly 2,000 page views. That is insane. Most of my posts have less than 100 views. If I tag Troy on a post I might get up to 200. But my post about suffering and my perspective on it was shared by two of the pastors at my church and look what happened! It is overwhelming for me to think about how many people read my words and hopefully were impacted by them in some positive way.
2) I've been thinking lately that the word "chemotherapy" is a really stupid word. When I think of "therapy", I think of positive things. I think of physical therapy, which is a profession I have worked with for nine years and have enjoyed the benefits of over the last few months. I think of massage therapy, which feels good. I think of occupational therapy, which assists people with daily living. I think of mental health therapy in all of its forms. I think of art therapy and music therapy. For me, therapy is positive. But then, when you put the word "chemo" in front of it, "therapy" becomes very bad. Yes, chemotherapy is destroying bad cancer cells in my body and that is a good thing. But chemotherapy feels very bad. Here are a few ideas for new terms that can be used: chemosorrythissucks, chemothismightmakeyoupuke, chemohellofatigure, chemobaldhead. I'll let you know when the medical community picks up on my suggestions.
3) And now here is a story from last week's chemo. Everything was done and I was back home by noon. I knew that I needed to call my mom to let her know that things had gone well, but I wanted to get my cooking done for Christmas first. I worked all afternoon, and finally got around to calling my mom around 4pm. I started telling her that things went well, that there was a therapy dog, and then she interrupted me and said I had already told her all of these things. Huh? Apparently I called my mom right when I got home, had an entire conversation with her, and then completely forgot about it. This confirmed for me that I definitely should not be held responsible for any decisions I make following chemo. And that I should just go home and sit quietly while the drugs wear off.
Okay, that's it for my random thoughts this evening. I do chemo on Thursday this week because they are closed on Friday (New Year's Day). I will be accompanied by the beautiful Marianne, who plans parties like a pro and has been talking about bringing mocktails and hors d'oeuvres. We'll wear matching unicorn/butterfly/rainbow kitten shirts and bring in the new year with Dubai!
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Sunday, December 27, 2015
I'm still here
Hello, friends, I am still here. I haven't blogged for a while because, well, I just haven't been feeling great. I feel like I am on a roller coaster all the time. Here's how it goes. I get chemo (usually on Fridays) and feel great that day (all the drugs probably help). I usually feel really good the following day. And then it all falls apart for a few days. I start to feel better and have a couple normal days, and then it is back to chemo. This is really starting to wear on me. My bad days are getting worse as the Taxol builds up. I hate it. There are so many things I want to do but cannot. I have five treatments left. Five weeks. I'm so close to being done but the end sometimes seems so far away.
I try to remind myself that things could be worse. It could be so much worse. I haven't had any neuropathy yet. My fingernails haven't turned black and fallen off. I still have some eyelashes and eyebrows. I found my cancer early. I am alive. I have a friend who lost a family member to cancer just over a month after a stage four diagnosis. I am so blessed. And yet sometimes it is so hard to see it.
I continue to be thankful for the times when people let me know they are thinking about me. I was having a bad day yesterday. Like, really bad. But then in the mail came a really encouraging card and beautiful necklace from a wonderful friend I haven't seen in years. What a difference that made. So, Bonnie, thank you!
In other news, my hair is growing like mad. Every morning when I wake up I think I have more fuzz. It is kind of starting to look like a bit of a mess. I looked better with a totally bald head. But I embrace the fuzz and the hair that will follow. I can't wait to have hair again. I still look at women with their hair and long eyelashes and resent them just a little bit.
This week I will have what I anticipate is my last tissue expander fill, which is kind of exciting. I never mind going to the plastic surgeon's office; they are all nice and the filling process is really easy. In the end I'll have had over 20 ounces of saline put into each of my expanders. That's a lot of fluid going into a place where there wasn't any space before. But it is all for a good cause; in the end, my new boobs will be amazing!
That's it from here! I hope everybody had an amazing Christmas (yep, that's when we celebrate the birth of Christ!).
I try to remind myself that things could be worse. It could be so much worse. I haven't had any neuropathy yet. My fingernails haven't turned black and fallen off. I still have some eyelashes and eyebrows. I found my cancer early. I am alive. I have a friend who lost a family member to cancer just over a month after a stage four diagnosis. I am so blessed. And yet sometimes it is so hard to see it.
I continue to be thankful for the times when people let me know they are thinking about me. I was having a bad day yesterday. Like, really bad. But then in the mail came a really encouraging card and beautiful necklace from a wonderful friend I haven't seen in years. What a difference that made. So, Bonnie, thank you!
In other news, my hair is growing like mad. Every morning when I wake up I think I have more fuzz. It is kind of starting to look like a bit of a mess. I looked better with a totally bald head. But I embrace the fuzz and the hair that will follow. I can't wait to have hair again. I still look at women with their hair and long eyelashes and resent them just a little bit.
This week I will have what I anticipate is my last tissue expander fill, which is kind of exciting. I never mind going to the plastic surgeon's office; they are all nice and the filling process is really easy. In the end I'll have had over 20 ounces of saline put into each of my expanders. That's a lot of fluid going into a place where there wasn't any space before. But it is all for a good cause; in the end, my new boobs will be amazing!
That's it from here! I hope everybody had an amazing Christmas (yep, that's when we celebrate the birth of Christ!).
Friday, December 11, 2015
I am what I've been through
At church our pastor has been going through a series on identity for the past many weeks. This last Sunday he talked about identity as "I am what I've been through." About perfect for my situation right now. I've been thinking lately that even though cancer is forefront in my life right now, I don't want it to be after I am done with my treatments and surgery. I want it to be an afterthought. A very small part of who I am. Yes, I will talk about it if people ask and provide support to others who are going through similar situations. But don't expect me to become a cancer crusader right away. I'm kind of tired of cancer.
The big idea from the sermon was "In Christ my suffering is redeemed and purposeful, therefore my suffering can make me better and not bitter!" That is the stance I have tried to take from the beginning of this experience. Of course I have had bitter days, but for the most part I have really tried to find the positive in this experience. What is God trying to teach me? What does he want me to do with this? A quote was provided for us that I really liked: "Because afflictions cost us so much they are too precious to waste." I cannot waste this journey. I must make something of it. My cancer, my very small story, does have a piece in God's big story. The conclusion to the sermon brought it all together: "What can I do now for God's glory because of my suffering that I was unable to do before my suffering?" I think a big part of the answer is this blog. I have people who are reading my words and hopefully thinking about what I have to say. I would like to think that I am making a small difference in some people's lives. I would be ecstatic if this blog leads a person to Christ. That would be the best thing ever. But if not that, I would hope that young women are taking charge of their health. Doing breast exams and making sure they stay healthy. A small difference through this blog would be awesome.
I have a lot of people comment on my attitude and how good I look. Well, I think I look pretty good because of my attitude. This cancer, this suffering, can be a positive thing in my life. Sometimes I don't see it that way, trust me. Some days have been really bad. But I will never be one of those people who says "F cancer." I'm not angry that I have cancer. This experience is purposeful for me and so many blessings have come from it. The year 2015 has been an odd one for me and Troy. He's had two surgeries - a foot surgery and an appendectomy. And now we're going through this. Some people wonder why my family has had to go through so many health issues and the accompanying struggles. Without these struggles I wouldn't have been able to see just how amazingly generous people can be. I wouldn't be uplifted by the prayers of so many people who I know and don't know. I wouldn't have connected with friends from the past. I wouldn't have grown closer to the ladies in my church group. I have had cards and little gifts from people I barely know and it is so humbling. I wouldn't have met so many new, wonderful people. I never would have known just how great the chemo nurses at Stoddard are. And I wouldn't have had the opportunity to write about all of it.
Today I had my fifth Taxol treatment and yet another allergic reaction. This time they hooked me to oxygen and stuck a pulse oxometer on me. My body doesn't like Taxol. My body is smart. I feel fine now and we'll keep moving along for the next seven treatments. Below is a picture of me with my chemo gear. I was trying to look pathetic; don't worry, I felt fine.
On the way home from chemo the radio played a couple of songs that really spoke to me about this journey. The first one was "Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me. I've always loved this song and had always sung along but inside was saying "no rain, no rain, please no rain for me." But now that I'm in the rain I am so grateful.
The other song that I've heard, but never really listened to, was Mandisa's "Stronger". Yes. This.
This is making me stronger. And it is a good thing.
The big idea from the sermon was "In Christ my suffering is redeemed and purposeful, therefore my suffering can make me better and not bitter!" That is the stance I have tried to take from the beginning of this experience. Of course I have had bitter days, but for the most part I have really tried to find the positive in this experience. What is God trying to teach me? What does he want me to do with this? A quote was provided for us that I really liked: "Because afflictions cost us so much they are too precious to waste." I cannot waste this journey. I must make something of it. My cancer, my very small story, does have a piece in God's big story. The conclusion to the sermon brought it all together: "What can I do now for God's glory because of my suffering that I was unable to do before my suffering?" I think a big part of the answer is this blog. I have people who are reading my words and hopefully thinking about what I have to say. I would like to think that I am making a small difference in some people's lives. I would be ecstatic if this blog leads a person to Christ. That would be the best thing ever. But if not that, I would hope that young women are taking charge of their health. Doing breast exams and making sure they stay healthy. A small difference through this blog would be awesome.
I have a lot of people comment on my attitude and how good I look. Well, I think I look pretty good because of my attitude. This cancer, this suffering, can be a positive thing in my life. Sometimes I don't see it that way, trust me. Some days have been really bad. But I will never be one of those people who says "F cancer." I'm not angry that I have cancer. This experience is purposeful for me and so many blessings have come from it. The year 2015 has been an odd one for me and Troy. He's had two surgeries - a foot surgery and an appendectomy. And now we're going through this. Some people wonder why my family has had to go through so many health issues and the accompanying struggles. Without these struggles I wouldn't have been able to see just how amazingly generous people can be. I wouldn't be uplifted by the prayers of so many people who I know and don't know. I wouldn't have connected with friends from the past. I wouldn't have grown closer to the ladies in my church group. I have had cards and little gifts from people I barely know and it is so humbling. I wouldn't have met so many new, wonderful people. I never would have known just how great the chemo nurses at Stoddard are. And I wouldn't have had the opportunity to write about all of it.
Today I had my fifth Taxol treatment and yet another allergic reaction. This time they hooked me to oxygen and stuck a pulse oxometer on me. My body doesn't like Taxol. My body is smart. I feel fine now and we'll keep moving along for the next seven treatments. Below is a picture of me with my chemo gear. I was trying to look pathetic; don't worry, I felt fine.
On the way home from chemo the radio played a couple of songs that really spoke to me about this journey. The first one was "Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me. I've always loved this song and had always sung along but inside was saying "no rain, no rain, please no rain for me." But now that I'm in the rain I am so grateful.
The other song that I've heard, but never really listened to, was Mandisa's "Stronger". Yes. This.
This is making me stronger. And it is a good thing.
Saturday, December 5, 2015
Can I check this hair, please?
Taxol #4 is in the books, and this time there was no allergic reaction! I had to take steroids and Zantac the night before and the morning of chemo, so that seemed to do the trick. My friend Lisa joined me for this most recent round, and we had a good time entertaining each other and the chemo nurses.
Friday night was the annual DMU holiday party. I got all dressed up in my new black dress and wore my wig. I got lots of compliments on the fake hair and had a good time. Below is a picture of my amazing colleagues and me. They have been so supportive of me during this journey and have been so patient as I talk non-stop about chemo, my boobs growing, and my lack of hair. I'm a lucky person to have such a great work environment!
Friday night was the annual DMU holiday party. I got all dressed up in my new black dress and wore my wig. I got lots of compliments on the fake hair and had a good time. Below is a picture of my amazing colleagues and me. They have been so supportive of me during this journey and have been so patient as I talk non-stop about chemo, my boobs growing, and my lack of hair. I'm a lucky person to have such a great work environment!
And here is me and Troy:
The party was at Prairie Meadows, and after the dinner we all decided to visit the casino. By that time my wig was getting a little bothersome, so I decided to coat check my hair. I am sure the poor coat check boy didn't know what to think of me, but I thought the whole exchange was pretty hilarious. Troy won $60 at the slot machines which was pretty exciting, and we were home by 11pm. Because I had so many steroids running through my body I was a little worried about not being able to sleep, so I took some nighttime cough medicine when I got home. I slept like a dead woman until 8:30am and it was wonderful. Marah had spent the night at my parents' house, and it was my first truly relaxing morning in a very long time.
I felt good today, so Marah and I headed to the zoo to get some fresh air. Santa was at the zoo, but we don't really do Santa at our house, so we skipped the lines and ran around outside for an hour or so. Tonight I hope to get some of my Christmas decorations out and of course watch some of the Hawkeyes football game!
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